How I Chose My Children (aka my house plants)

I never really wanted children, but what about house plants? I know, I know, house plants are nothing close to having children, but plants don’t cry (or do they???) on airplanes, grow up to be moody teenagers, or have an enormous carbon footprint. The fun thing about plants is that they have a negative carbon footprint because of photosynthesis and science and stuff, hooray! So, as a funky fresh, about-to-be-second-year college student moving into her sweet new home, I decided my roommate and I needed something to freshen up our bachelorette pad. Especially since our landlord gave us a pamphlet the moment we signed our lease that said lead may be present in our paint, who knows what other bad stuff may be lurking in our new home. Common toxic agents found in homes include benzene, formaldehyde, and trichloroethylene, according to the Nasa Clean Air Study that was conducted in the 80’s. This study lists house plants that were the best at removing these common toxic agents. I kinda-maybe-only-partially based my decisions off this study.

When choosing my plants here was my criteria:

  1. As a busy college student, it will survive and is great for a beginner house plant owner.
  2. It makes my home feel happy and healthy.
  3. It is so cute it will make me cry.

Here’s the Outcome (accompanied by their dashing names):

Hansel the Spider Plant – best for removing carbon monoxide and nitrogen dioxide from the air, funky as fuck, grows tiny versions of itself that you can cut off and grow into new spider plants, awesome for hanging from the ceiling

Cornelius the Aloe Vera Succulent – useful for removing formaldehyde from the air (not the best plant for this job, but still useful), cute as hell, healing properties when you break off a piece and rub the slime on a scratch or burn

[fun fact: I know someone who has used the slime from their aloe vera plant for lube so take notes ladies and gents and all genders/sexualities in between]

Felix the Mammillaria Cactus – easy to keep up, also known as the “nipple cactus”, nickname is not an invitation for you to put them anywhere near your nipple as they are quite spiky, not useful for air purification but still spunky and welcome in my humble abode


I apologize I could not accompany these descriptions with pictures today, but there’s no need to worry as this shall not be the only post about my house plants. Once I fix my camera, I will update everyone on their lives. I hope this post helps build anticipation for when you finally get to see my fabulous children. For references about certain words I use or what these plants typically look like, please click on the links provided.

Peace and Love,


Published byAmanda

Journey of a millennial kombuchaholic, tea fanatic, future holistic dietician, college student who wants to live a zero-waste life filled with love, laughter, and nature

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